| Grrrr I missed church today...
I was so tired from work, then me and my sis were up so late. I ended up going to bed at 5 am. I woke up like an hour ago, and i just feel so crappy now. I went to bed crying and then had horrible dreams all through the night. And on top of that I slept on my new mattress for the first time. My old one was really soft and this one is like hard as a rock. My parents got it because they think it'll help my back problems. I think they're right, because my back feels fine after sleeping (which is a first).
I've had a recurring theme in my dreams for about a week now, and after talking to my mom just a little while ago, I think I understand what they mean. My dreams have been about animals that are hurt. Once I hit a dog with my car on accident and tried to save it. But last night in my dream, I was walking by an animal adoption store in the mall, and a dachshund jumped out of his cage and ran to me. He was limping and in obvious pain, but my parents wouldn't let me keep him. So I sat there for like 10 minutes holding him and praying for his leg to heal. It was horrible, I woke up crying. I know all of this relates in some way with the issue i was crying about last night. It's about Bobby. And I'm not gonna go into this whole long story, because for one thing, nobody reading this (except for Jason) knows Bobby, and another thing, my biggest pet peeve EVER is when people use others' deaths to bring attention to themselves. And that happens way to often. Basically, Bobby is one of my friends, and he has a rare disease that only like 10 males in the United States have. He's been doing a lot worse lately, and has already lived 9 years longer than he was supposed to. But I can just see it in him week after week, he is getting worse. He got a blood transfusion last wednesday though, so he's feeling stronger and is making it to class and stuff. Unlike a lot of people, I've never really had a close friend die. I mean, my cousin died last year, but I didn't talk w/ her like I do w/ Bobby. So this is just killing me. Watching him and talking with him has made me feel like the most ungrateful person. He's dying, and his biggest concern right now is his grades! And he has the highest grade in our government class. He isn't bitter or angry towards God at all. I know what the doctors say and everything, but I'm still praying for a miracle. And I just want to bring some kind of honor to him, because ppl need to see this kind of selflessness, it's amazing and we should all be more like him. I'm actually thinking about writing to Oprah. Or eventually writing a book about him.
    
My mom is the one who told me that my animal dreams are probably about Bobby. It's like, he's hurt and is in pain, but all I can do is pray for him. I feel so helpless, and it's pissing me off that I can't do a damn thing to save his life!!! It makes me so angry. Mainly angry at myslef for being such a selfish and ungrateful person. I think God brought Bobby into my life to show me some of my own flaws, but maybe I can help him too. I just don't know how yet.
So anyway, I am just going through an emotional hell right now. You can probably tell from my last entry. Hope I didn't scare anyone w/ that. It looks like I'm contemplating murder or suicide or something!! haha but that's not it at all...to my close friends, it's probably obvious that it's about my biological dad, and my decision to ever see him again. This has been the biggest problem in my life since last summer when I met with him for the first time since I was 8 years old. I know what God wants me to do, and I know that if I do decide to somehow contact him again and make him a part of my life, then I will ruin the relationship I have with my parents and sister. It'd be a horrible and selfish decision, and yet I still think about doing it. How weird is that? It's like, you know what you should do and what God wants you to do, but you still contemplate doing it!! If I'm going this crazy over it, then of course I'm not going to follow what my heart is telling me, because we all know that following our emotions gets us into BIG trouble. So for now, I'm following God. I just don't want to hurt my dad (the one that adopted me) in any way...he is so good to me, and I love him more than anything.
There's a lot of other stuff going on, and I've really been feeling Rachael's pain lately too. Like last night she was just bawling, and I feel like I need to fix her problems. I haven't seen her this upset in a while, and it makes me so sad because it is something she doesn't deserve to be going through, and it's just not her fault. I believe though, that God will bring justice in the end.
Well, I do feel a little better after writing all of this down. I actually hate writing. I love to read, but I hate to write. I think it's because I can never put my emotions down on paper effectively, especially complicated emotions. It's a hard task to take on, but someone has to do it! haha if they didn't, I wouldn't have any books to read now would I? 
    
Alrighty, time to get on with life, suck it all up, and do my homework. And I get to see Jason soon!! Gah, I love him so much. At least I have him to talk to about all of this.
Today is going to be a good day, because that's what I am choosing to make it! Bye friends!
~Beth Anne~ |
), gained some freakin weight finally, got my wisdom teeth taken out, and it seems like all of my friends are getting married! haha oh and get this, I actually watched Brokeback Mountain!!! Yeah, extreme conservative here watched Brokeback Mountain. Man I can't believe I did that lol. 
~Beth Anne~
